Some Monday morning politics. North American History - As it really happened . . .
Humans began their existence on the North American continent as members of small
bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains
during the summer, then migrated to the coast and lived on fish and lobster in
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of the wheel and
the invention of beer. It has been assumed that beer was invented before the wheel,
since the wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These two inventions were the
foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals (Socialists) and Conservatives (Capitalists).
Once beer was invented it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were yet invented, so while our early
human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just
stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Real men of genius spent their days tracking and killing animals which they BBQ’d at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "The
Conservative Movement."
Feminine men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching,
and hair dressing. This was the beginning of “The Liberal Movement.” Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as “girlie men.”
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the invention of “The Democratic Party,”
which originally was formed to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
In the early years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful animal on earth, the Wooly Mammoth. Later, after the Wooly Mammoth
became extinct due to over hunting by the conservatives, the much more plentiful
elephant became their symbol. Liberals have always been symbolized by the
jackass.
Today’s modern liberal eschews beer and now prefers white wine or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of the liberal women have higher
testosterone levels than the men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals
invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who
own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide
what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame
and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Otherwise known as “lying
sideways in the public trough.”
