John in Leeds

Wonderful soundtrack and superb film production. The whole thing is a treat

Finally Scotland has something to be proud of

Fair play to you

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?' Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo? An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...' Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

watched it on 'red button' channel free view 301 7.00 pm - Great ride Casey

The Australian Way ? This is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. (I'm told) This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. The outgoing message was as follows: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

They were all good though

Chinese sick leave: CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!' Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

New Zealand and Landrover Sheep Joke A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. 'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

You might like to take on the Tykes at looks like a good sport to me. Look forward to your comments

Reading through this thread I could not fail to be amazed by your analytical dissection of this perennial sensor problem. No stone appears to be unturned in the quest for perfection. There is however one area that has not had due consideration - the real nature of current flow in a circuit. I feel qualified to comment on this as the frustrated owner of many British motorcycles using Lucas components. Negative ground systems as used by the V11 depends upon proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing. When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (like, say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working. The function of the wire harness is to carry the smoke from one device to another; when the wire harness "springs a leak" and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards. Starter motors were frowned upon in British motorcycles for some time, largely because they consume large quantities of smoke, requiring very large wires. I know that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, shock absorbers and hydraulic forks and disk brakes leak fluid, British tyres leak air, and the British defence establishment leaks secrets... so, naturally, British electrics leak smoke. This does not mean we should not remember basic principals in this quest. From the basic concept of electrical transmission of energy in the form of smoke, a better understanding of the mysteries of electrical components - - even those on the V11 - - is gained by the casual user.

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS... 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark. 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

From Pennine Guzzi Yorkshire girls are best? Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away. Eddie had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day was better, and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table. The third man said that he had married a Yorkshire girl… He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener!

That is going on the wall, wonderful

Products for REAL MEN only

Well I think I will finally blot my copybook by having a go at the moderator. It’s no use Jaap piously ringing your hands when this is happening in your garden. Your guidelines have clearly been breached yet you have let the children squabble on. Todd is bang on, shut it down or lock it for the delight or otherwise of future readers. Nowhere have I complained about being asked to eat a bowl of DlCK. You are all aware of what my beef is. The acid test for me will be when redneck sees what I consider to be the best witticism (although in appalling taste) seen on this board in many a year Richard100t’s this thread on post #27. Far from being no laughing matter it would be (if his friends are right) in his best traditions of irreverence and bad taste.

Now THAT is funny!

Sanctimonious twaddle! Back from Hollywood death bed scene, both you and I will face such a fate as will most people here. Over the last couple of years I have lost too many friends and family, some of whom bought unfailing good humour and senseless acts of kindness to people around them. Only one died quickly (though in great pain). The others died in great distress, ashamed of their inability to get to their normal toilet and under occasionally ineffective pain control. Not one of them winged about the way they had been treated in the past or about the hand life had dealt them. What is it about the apologists for txredneck and redneck himself for that matter that must always refer to some form of DlCK? Hard, soft, or just ‘ave it. Maybe there are some head doctors out there that can shine some light or is it one of the things that we probably shouldn’t know? Compassion – from the short time I have read posts from txredneck (usually pulled by some over sensitive moderator ) there can be one thing that is clear, compassion was not in his vocabulary (viz Menezes on this thread). It is really hard to sit back and read the sanctifying plaudits when in print the man was continually racist, homophobic, bigoted and usually engaged in personal attacks (as judged by the moderators). In my humble experience people like redneck can dish it out, encouraged by those who can only feel good seeing the discomfort of others, but they just can’t take it. When caught out they wine about how they have had a bad time, things are not going right, it is all the fault of their mothers/ fathers, nobody loves them yada yada yada. Really decent people take the knocks, apologise to those they have caused hurt and get on with it. I include below the post from redneck on Illuminati Guzzisti for those who have not read it. For some this is a cry from the heart of a brave man facing his demise, for me it could be from the pen of Walt Disney and I would hope I have the good sense not to bother. I don’t think so. What decent person derives pleasure from the unjust denigration of others? Oh, and ‘it’s marvellous to see in person’. How sick is that? So now you are tempted to send me horse shit through the post. Really? Really? Nah, you’re just sayin’ that, you can’t really be that thick. Just get on with your life, look after your friend and be KIND to people. And Dave thanks, I understand but I’m a big boy now and can look after myself.

Good for you a friend when really needed. Compassion for everyone yes?

Not content with propogating the lie that J C Menezes jumped turnstiles and refused police instructions. He also supports the 7 bullets without warning into the head of an innocent man. Such a funny man. Seems that friends of this sad and lonely man should make the effort and join him in his hour of need. Just remember you can't do that when he's gone. Turning up at a funeral does not match support in hard times when alive.

Chances dont come that often and they sound like good people - go for it.

Yep!

For special occasions Dalwhinnie or Metaxa 7 star. Otherwise any Timothy Tailors that's fresh and rough heavy reds from the south of France, Pyrenees like Corbiere or some Spanish Riojas. One put down for my taste in wine came from a lady saying she 'would never drink cheap wine' my reply 'you certainly do but you just pay lot for it'. Thank heaven everyone has different tastes 'Vive le Difference'

Will do! Thanks for your warning