Frenchbob

I thought they were a contraceptive device, but then I've had a sheltered upbringing. Isn't it time we had the Relativist perspective on this issue?

He won't talk to us anymore once he's got it. You all know that, don't you? Do they do pink ones?

Drunken waitress scrapping is actually my favourite sport, but I was a coward about admitting it - thanks for coming out first, RJ. Just in case people have stopped taking me seriously altogether, I would just add that I cycled to and over the Pyrenees with a mate a couple of years ago, all for the serious business of getting drunk in the Cafe Iruna in Pamplona, which brings us nicely back to.......drunken waitress scrapping.

Where's the piece of string, Ben?

I enjoy torturing shellfish, but I keep the bike handy because, some days, I'm very sporty indeed.

You think I'm making it up, don't you? It was before the days of digital cameras; come to that, it was before the days of PCs. Can't find one of the bodge, and I have looked, but here's one of the bike. I'll forego the bodge point...........until someone asks me for a photo of the Armstrong I fitted with handlebars off a Jap 50cc trailbike after the originals were bent. And, no, I don't still look like that. I can't believe I ever did.

I know that the "monopoly house" switch blocks on early eighties Guzzis contain small springs trained to seek the nearest gravel patch. When I had finished with mine all that was left inoperative was the starter button, so I unscrewed the front door bell push, wired it up and taped it on: worked a treat. I got into this fix in the first place by hitting the right-hand switch block with a rubber mallet. Can I have a bodge point?

Hello again, Scooter. Can't talk about the V65 but I wouldn't hesitate to take a low mileage V50 that has been cared for [you'll need evidence!]. I had a V50II and loved it, toured on it, went to work on it and scratched on it for 15000miles or so, no problems. A good one will sing to you. Find a Monza and the cafe bit will have been done for you. They ride like a junior LeMans I. Bob

For Christ's sake, don't build a shed! You don't know where it will end. A mate of mine went down that route five years ago or so: the machine he built the shed for is long gone, and he's since restored a lathe and a pillar drill.

MZ to MG: a short step for man....etc Your MZ experience uncannily mirrors mine, Nogbad! Mine did eventually succumb to its big end, though [common failing] and I found another, good motor for £20. Cost of new big end: £90 for the conrod and bearing.

That bloke with the VW is going to get a shock, then, when yer man starts his Planeta.

The elapsed time "got you" is common on French autoroutes, where gendarmes wait to pull people at toll booths. Incidentally, some of you may not be aware that it is an offence in France to drive a vehicle equipped with ANY sort of device which warns the driver of speed cameras or radar. You could get a very heavy, on the spot fine for doing so. Sh*te, isn't it?

That's the one. I had three Bantams when young, foolish and hopelessly optimistic, but none of them ever pulled that trick. Mind you, I had to buy an MZ to find a two stroke within my price range [£0 - £50] that ran. Now there's a proper bike!

The strange thing is that Urals, Dneiprs or whatever, were not the worst. Long ago, when Triumphs were Triumphs, men were men and trousers had flares for the first time ever, an English mate had a Russian 350 two-stroke single the name of which I have, happily, forgotten. Its single interesting feature was that, when kicked over, the engine would frequently misfire, spit back and then run backwards, and the first the unsuspecting pilot would know of it was when he let the clutch out and set off in reverse! By the way, we always referred to Urals as "Urinals", in the bad, old days. No offence intended, of course.

I did, late last year, and I was very disappointed. Mail me if you want the full story, since it's not a V11 issue! Cars? I run a high-mileage FIAT diesel estate which hauls trailers, wood, animals, motorcycle parts and people with equal ease, returns 55mpg, cruises lightly loaded at 90mph and doesn't break. What has it to do with my tastes in motorcycles? I need it to carry large assemblies and trail whole machines to meetings. Previously, for ten years I ran a FIAT Coupe 16v Turbo, and for those ten years and the previous ten the same 240 Volvo saloon; it wouldn't die, and when I finally decided to let it go it was still working. The Coupe was a wonderful finale to my petrol-head car-owning phase, but I've grown up, now.

There's a letter in December 'Classic Bike' from someone in Switzerland who ordered one of these, and presumably paid a deposit, two years ago, and has heard nothing since May. His emails have gone unanswered, apparently. Caveat emptor, I think. What American Nortons are like I don't know. I have some experience of the genuine article, though. My expensively rebuilt and tuned 850 Commando vibrated enough to shed parts in the road and finally ran several bearings in the gearbox when I tried to use the performance. On the other hand my current Dommie special is as sweet as a nut, smooth and faster than you might expect.

Antonio, I'm not French, although France is my adopted country. And yes they [we] are, and the problem with that would be.......? And Freud was a fraud. I've just discovered that I'm a fan of American football is all. Absolutely right, John.

I hate to break into this friendly [?] exchange of insults, but does any forum member perhaps have a picture to show us of young, female, American football professionals struggling to remain at attention during the US anthem, under adverse weather conditions?

I have no message. I just liked the picture.

OK so there are exceptions!

Agreed, Bill. Reminds me of my 19 year old self, painting random bits of my old banger red in case it would go faster as a result. Hey, Desdinova, just looked at your LeMans again. It's gorgeous!

Nogbad, in principle I agree, of course, but what's the betting this guy had wound everyone up on countless previous occasions and that the police were watching for him? Just better a prat like that than a motorcyclist. Whatever he has to pay for storage fees I'll bet he can afford it. I hope he's well inconvienced. Sorry, my poor, former public servant with a lousy pension chip weighing the old shoulder down again!

Go on then, what for?

et voila!

It was ever thus. It sounds as though it happened to the right bloke in New Zealand, though, from what I can make out. Fat cats with AMG Mercs can look after themselves, and if they can't, more fools they!