Jokes

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

Copied this from the international pilots group on facebook where I saw it posted,

 

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman

president. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose

name is Debra, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will

be coming to my inauguration?"

 

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."

 

"Don 't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine

will pick you up at your door."

 

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

 

"Oh Dad," replies Debra, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown

custom-made by the best designer in Washington."

 

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."

 

The President-to-be responds, " Don't worry Dad. The entire affair

will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I'll ensure your

meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."

 

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017, Debra is being

sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the

new president's dad and mom.

 

Dad, noticing the senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers,

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming

President of the United States."

 

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."

 

Dad says proudly, "Her brother is a Helicopter Pilot!"

[antonio carroccio]

I don't get it?!?!?

[Badclassicist]

I don't get it?!?!?

I think it's pretty funny.

[antonio carroccio]

Oh yeah, I think it's more important becoming a pilot than a president of USA......

\

 

yes, that's funny!

[Guzzi2Go]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

 

A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

[John in Leeds]

 

A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

 

Now that works for me

[pasotibbs]

Go to amazon.co.uk and look at the reviews for "veet for men"

 

funniest thing I've read in ages

[Admin Jaap]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

 

That's just hilarious! :grin: (Maybe Pete Roper has a second career as a review writer?)

[Baldini]

...funniest thing I've read in ages

 

thanks! Nearly fell off me chair.

 

(Antonio - that joke about the president & the pilot - it's that the dad doesn't give a monkey's about what his daughter achieves, only his son...)

 

KB

[Baldini]

Aggers & Johnners "Couldn't quite get his leg over..." Any Brit has probably heard this a hundred times (& maybe you need to be British & juvenile to find it remotely amusing)... still, for you johnny-foreigners out there:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k0qZDdfvZk

 

Listening the day this was broadcast in 1991, couldn't believe it was going out live on the BBC ...Brian Johnston, RIP.

 

KB

[John in Leeds]

Brilliant

[Guzzi2Go]

Irish Haiku

 

There once was a man from East Kent

Whose tool was so long that it bent

To save her some trouble

He folded it double

And instead of coming...he went

[gavo]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

 

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

 

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

 

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times

[gstallons]

That is FUNNY !

[Guzzi2Go]

‎An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of Guinness beer.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"