Jokes

[gavo]

The Wine Taster

At a wine merchants the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

 

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

 

 

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

 

 

They gave him a glass to drink.

 

 

He tried it and said,"It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope,matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.

 

"That's correct", said the boss.

 

Another glass....

 

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope,oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

 

Requires three more years for finest results.."

 

"Correct."

 

A third glass...

 

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

 

The director was astonished

 

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

 

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine

 

The alcoholic tried it.

 

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

A women lay dying in her bed, her husband by her side.

 

"Dear husband," she said quietly, "I have something to confess to you before I die!"

 

"Dear wife" he answered her. "Lay quietly. You have nothing to confess to me!"

 

"But my dear husband. I slept with your father and your brother and your brothers friend too!"

 

"I know" he answered. "That's why I poisoned you! Now lay there quietly."

[grossohc]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found

traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion

that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American

archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper

wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying

"American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire,

have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech

communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern

England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the

Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught

amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely F**k all.

Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already

Gone wireless.

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it?

[gavo]

[gavo]

Someone told me the other day that Ellen Degenres died--------------------------------

They found her face down in Ricki Lake

[antonio carroccio]

Someone told me the other day that Ellen Degenres died--------------------------------

They found her face down in Ricki Lake

I hate that woman, not funny at all. Both of them, btw.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the en...d of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build theArk before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

 

[Van]

Hehehe....funny, but sad, as it's all too true.....

Cheers

Van

[Gregg]

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny

mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top

of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without

underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you

looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. "It's

quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll

make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder

vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares

in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me,"

suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks,

"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

 

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”

[68C]

Being a bit fed up with most of the men she has dated, Thelma reluctantly accepts an invitation to dinner from a new guy in the area. It all goes splendidly and his conversation interests her, they have several pleasant dates when he invites her back to his flat. As it has all gone so well she accepts, he is attentive and polite, "Can this be the one ?" she wonders.  The evening progresses and soon they are snuggled up in bed, the sex is great and she lays there feeling secure.  

She notices three long shelves on the wall with rows of teddy bears, big ones on the top, middle sized on the middle and small ones below.  " He must have a sensitive nature to collect so many teddy bears and to arrange them so neatly" she thinks, again they have sex and it is better than before.

 "Was it OK for you ?" she asks.  

"Yeah great" he replies, "Take anything you want from the middle shelf".

[Admin Jaap]

I was having lunch with a female colleague when I saw my wife come in.

 

"It's my wife! I have to hide." I whispered.

 

"Don't be silly, your wife can't possibly object to you having lunch with someone you work with" she said.

 

"She can if she thinks I died in 1995".

[Admin Jaap]

I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome.

So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to @#!#$# off.

[gavo]

For the bright sparks amongst us.

 

 

 

One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to
get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and
took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone
bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the
flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her
field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her
frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage
probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube
at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her
shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her
shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron
was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and
hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could
no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With
his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so
they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

[Scud]

A woman goes to the doctor. The doctor tells her "You have three months to live."

 

The woman says, "Oh no, that's terrible. Isn't there anything I could do?"

 

The doctor says, "You could marry an accountant."

 

"Marry an accountant?" the woman replies, "How will that help my condition?"

 

"Well, it won't help your condition," says the doctor, "but it will make your last three months seem like forever."

[pasotibbs]

A very funny video, very well done lots of clever touches, the video tracking in and out is very 80's !!!

(contains swearing and violence so beware !!)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS5P_LAqiVg