Jokes

[Guzzi2Go]

Good idea posting jokes, however, maybe a dedicated joke thread would be even better?

 

If you share my view, just post them here.

 

Here is one of the few I can tell in (my broken) English.

 

A priest and a shepherd were competing in a quiz. Suprisingly for a match between a scholar/priest and, what everyone expected, a simple shepherd, it was a pretty even fight that could have only be resolved by a "sudden death" task.

 

So the moderator announced the following task:

-Each of you will write a short poem, couple of verses, and the audience will decide by the loudness of their applause, who is the winner of this quiz. The catch is that the poem must contain word "Timbuktu".

 

After 5 minutes the priest is asked to read his "work" out loud. So he goes:

 

- I was father all my life

- Had no children, had no wife

- I read my bible through and through

- On my way to Timbuktu.

 

 

And the audience cheered loudly, thinking this cannot be topped. However, for the fairness sake, the shepherd had to read his poem as well. So after the noise settled, he reads:

 

- When Tim and I to Brisbane went

- We met three ladies, cheap to rent

- As they were three and we were two

- I booked one, and Tim-booked-two!

 

[antonio carroccio]

[st. augustine]

everyone should join in the fun.....

 

 

 

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[jrt]

Great idea!

 

What's brown and sticky?

(scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a stick

(please don't ban me for awful jokes....I have lot's of 'em)

[jrt]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turned to the other and said

"Does this taste funny to you?"

[DeBenGuzzi]

what do you call a dog with no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it doesn't matter he won't come anyway!

 

 

where do you find a dog with no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

probably where you left him.

[Alex-Corsa]

Where do you find jokes without meaning ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a forum like this

[guzzibiene]

Where do you find jokes without meaning ?

 

May I help you

 

 

TRAVELLER IN THE FAR EAST TRIES ORDERING BREAKFAST

Note: this story is about how two people using the English language build up

a fine example of miscommunication. Read it aloud to yourself, pronounce it

just the way this text is written.

 

Room Service: "Morny, ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service."

RS: "Rye..ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?

G: "Uh..yes, i'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den"

G: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please"

RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July san tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes?"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'

means"

RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we

bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine, yes, an

English muffin will be fine"

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side"

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes, coffee please, and thats's all."

RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,

crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,

and copy...rye?"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G: "You're welcome."

 

And now with subtitles, just to be sure...

 

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Room service Translation (RST): "Morning, room service"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

 

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

RST: "Right! Room service! Do you wish to order something?"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

 

RS: "Ow July den?"

RST: "How would you like them?"

G: "What??"

 

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

RST: "How would you like them? Fried? Boiled? Poached?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please."

 

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

RST: "How would you like the bacon? Crisp?"

 

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

RST: "OK. And some toast?"

 

G: "What?"

 

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

RST: "Some toast. Would you like some toast?"

G: "I don't think so"

 

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

RST: "No? You don?t want toast?"

G:"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what

'judo one toes' means."

 

RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?

Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?

RST: "Toast! Toast! Why do you don?t want toast [!!] ?

How about an English Muffin with butter?"

G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'

Okay, fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

 

RS: "We bother?"

RST: "With Butter?"

G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

 

RS: "Wad?"

RST: "What?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

 

RS: "Copy?"

RST: "Coffee?"

G: "Sorry?"

 

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

RST: "Coffee? Tea? Milk?"

G: "Oh,yes.. Coffee please, and that's all."

 

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,

tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?"

RST: "One minute. That's room twenty-three, scrambled eggs,

crisp bacon, toast and english muffin with butter on the side,

and coffee. Right?"

G: "Whatever you say"

 

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

RST: "Thank you very much"

G : "You're welcome"

[Alex-Corsa]

May I help you

 

 

 

 

 

You really didn't mean to hurt me with this one ?

!

[jrt]

A pretty young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her

body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She

pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

 

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

 

"No, " she says, " I'm actually blonde, but I got tired of all the jokes.

 

Why?"

 

The doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[guzzibiene]

You really didn't mean to hurt me with this one ?

 

 

Oh....................did I?

[Guzzirider]

A woman is lying in bed, when her husband marches into the bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm. He looks at her and says "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

 

His wife frowns at him and says "Don't be so stupid- that is a sheep not a pig"

 

He replies "I wasn't talking to you!"

 

[Guzzi2Go]

A doctor, a lawyer and a priest are flying together with three children. The plane breaks down and the pilot announces:

- We are going down! I have only three parachutes for the passengers!

 

Doctor screams:

- Save the children! Save the children!

 

Lawyer says:

- @#!#$# children!

 

Priest:

- You think we have enough time?

[Ralph Werner]

Who's Irish and spends his nights on the back porch?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy O'Furniture

[mdude]

What do you call an Irishman whos been buried for three years?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pete