Jokes

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

 

 

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way..I'm a defective parrot.'

 

 

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

 

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent

thoroughly educated bird'.

 

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your

perch without any feet?'

 

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked,

I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see

it because of my feathers.'

 

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't

you?'

 

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology...You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

 

 

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't

afford that.'

 

 

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody

wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

 

 

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational....He has a great sense of humor,

he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

 

 

The guy is delighted.

 

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

 

 

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife

and the UPS man..'

 

 

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a

package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

 

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

 

 

'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and

lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

 

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

 

 

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and

began to kiss her all over....'

 

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

 

'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

 

 

 

 

 

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day!

[John in Leeds]

The Black Hand Gang

 

 

[Admin Jaap]

Now that's funny!

 

:D

[Skeeve]

So a boy goes to his dad for some help, and asks him: "Dad, what's the difference between irritation, aggravation, & frustration?"

 

Dad says "Bring me the phone over here & I'll demonstrate them for you..." The boy gives him a quizzical expression, but complies w/ the request.

 

Dad dials a number at random on the phone. "Hello?" "Hi, is Maurice there?" "No, he isn't; you must have a wrong number." "Can I leave a message?" "No, I told you, you've got a wrong number! (click)"

 

Dad tells the boy: "That's irritation."

 

He redials the same number he just called at random. "Hi, is Maurice there?" "No, there's no Maurice here!" "Can I leave a message?" "NO! (click)"

 

The dad tells the boy "that's aggravation."

 

Dad dials the number a 3rd time. "Hello?" "Hi, this is Maurice: are there any messages for me?.."

 

"And boy, that's frustration..."

[John in Leeds]

VATICAN HUMOR

 

 

 

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

 

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

 

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

 

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

 

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

 

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

 

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

 

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

 

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

 

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

 

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

 

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[antonio carroccio]

[Gregg]

The Irish Wrestler - apolgies if you've heard it before.

 

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer

came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he

has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

 

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

 

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the

Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and

the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

 

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

 

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

 

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of

testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as

hard as I could.'

 

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

 

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

[Admin Jaap]

:lol: Thanks, just what I needed on monday morning!

[Guzzi2Go]

An elderdly Irish woman visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

 

- 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

- 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

- 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

 

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

 

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

- 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

- 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

- 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

- 'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[tikkanen]

Brilliant, G2G!

Søren

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

[Guzzi2Go]

Dear Tom,

 

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

 

I am 58, my husband is 58, and the neighbor's daughter is 25. We have been married for twenty five years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely,

Sue

-------------------------------------------

 

Dear Sue,

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking for debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.I hope this helps.

 

Regards,

Tom Smith

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

another politically un-correct game

 

 

http://www.kongregate.com/games/KommanderKlobb/eyjafjallajoekull

[jrt]

That is sooo wrong.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

The spoon:

 

 

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

 

 

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

 

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

 

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

 

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

 

 

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.