Jokes

[raz]

http://www.google.co...itary+victories

[John in Leeds]

http://www.google.co...itary+victories

 

 

Very clever

 

 

I must remember that one

[Guzzi2Go]

Anyone up for a Global Warming debate?

[gstallons]

What is 2011 looking like?

[Guzzi2Go]

What is 2011 looking like?

Where's ratchet when you need one?

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

Anyone up for a Global Warming debate?

 

Now I know why Belfast asked "What time is it?".

[gstallons]

This is one time Ratch might (and I mean might) acquiesce.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

 

 

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

 

 

Your last name stays put.

 

The garage is all yours.

 

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 

Chocolate is just another snack.

 

You can never be pregnant.

 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

 

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 

The world is your urinal... You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

Same work, more pay.

 

Wrinkles add character.

 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

 

One mood all the time.

 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

You know stuff about tanks.

 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

You can open all your own jars.

 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 

You almost never have strap problems in public.

 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

 

You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life.

 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

 

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 23 minutes.

[tikkanen]

Brilliant, Jim!

 

Søren

[John in Leeds]

Since it started snowing my missus has just been looking through the window. If it gets any worse I'll just have to let her in

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

Tis the season for flu

 

 

 

To avoid it...

 

Eat right!

 

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

 

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

 

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

 

Walk for at least an hour a day,

 

Go for a swim,

 

Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

 

Wash your hands often.

If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

 

Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

 

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

 

Get plenty of rest.

 

 

OR

 

Take the doctor's approach.

 

Think about it...

 

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

 

They clean your arm with alcohol...

 

Why?

 

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

 

So...

 

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

 

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

 

Celery in my Caesar (veggies)

 

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

 

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

 

Then I pass out. (rest)

 

 

The way I see it...

 

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

 

As my grandmother always said,

 

'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

 

 

Live Well -

Laugh Often -

Love Much

[gavo]

Bomber StrikeMuslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

 

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

 

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

 

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages__________________

[John in Leeds]

Subject: At the restaurant

 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts

slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting

for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a

blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and

sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,

neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat

and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;

takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,

gently at first and then ever so firmly........

 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny,

which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and

walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father

rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying he has never seen anybody do

anything like that before, it was fantastic. "Are you a doctor?

 

 

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Inland Revenue."

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

Question: What is the best pick-up line ever?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Does this smell like chloroform?

[gavo]

I thought the englishmen here would appreciate this

 

 

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant

said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on

each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".