Jokes

[gavo]

A virile, middle-aged Moto guzzi rider named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.' Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, You finish?' Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?' Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear......., 'No, I'm Norwegian.'

[Guzzi2Go]

Two aliens landed in the middle of nowhere, in the Arizona desert, near an old, forlorn, yet still functioning gas station, that was now closed for the night.

 

They approached one of the ancient stand-alone gas pumps, still with the old glass SHELL head on it, and the younger alien addressed it...

 

He said, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

 

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

 

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We came in peace but do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

 

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

 

" Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him as a charred, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

 

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

 

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

 

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy fried friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never want to mess with a guy who can loop his @#$$#! over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear."

[GraeV11]

A Guzzi owner has a stable of racing snails and sets about making his prize snail ready for the forthcoming GP.

 

He decides that a 'naked' snail would derive benefits in power to weight ratio over and above the aerodynamic gain afforded by the shell . . . so he removes it.

 

He is upset that the result is a bit sluggish.

 

I thank you

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

Wise Words?

 

 

 

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin'..."

 

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

 

- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

 

- Mark Twain

 

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

 

- George Burns

 

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

 

- Victor Borge

 

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

 

- Mark Twain

 

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

 

- Socrates

 

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

 

- Groucho Marx

 

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

 

- Jimmy Durante

 

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

 

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

 

- Alex Levine

 

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

 

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

 

Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

 

- Spike Milligan

 

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

 

- Joe Namath

 

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

 

- Bob Hope

 

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

 

- W. C. Fields

 

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 

- Will Rogers

 

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 

- Winston Churchill

 

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

 

- Phyllis Diller

 

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

 

- Billy Crystal

 

And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

[John in Leeds]

President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

 

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

 

He greets one.

 

The patient replies:

 

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm.

 

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

 

The next patient responds:

 

Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit.

 

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

 

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle

 

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

 

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

[gstallons]

That was good..........

[Guzzi2Go]

Father had two sons, one pesimist, one optimist. He gets them Christmass presents, an electric model train for the pesimist and horse shit for the optimist. Pretending not to know what they got, he asks the pesimist:

 

- What did you get?

- Electric model train, but I will not be able to play with it if there is a blackout!

- No worries, it runs on batteries.

- But they will run out!

- I'll get you new ones.

- Tracks will bend and break eventually

- ...

 

 

Fed up, the father turns to the optimist.

 

- What did you get?

- A pony. He just went somewhere...

[Guzzi2Go]

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back..

 

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

 

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

 

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ...

 

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

 

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

 

She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

 

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

 

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

[Admin Jaap]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

 

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

 

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

 

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

 

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

 

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

 

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

 

"I switched cocks," he replied.

 

"What a coincidence," she said

[tikkanen]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

 

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

 

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

 

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

 

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

 

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

 

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

 

"I switched cocks," he replied.

 

"What a coincidence," she said

 

:D Brilliant!

[gstallons]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

 

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

MORAL OF THE STORY -

 

Not all Irish are drunks, & Not all blondes are dumb

[Guzzi2Go]

They say it is all downhill after 40-ieth.

 

 

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[John in Leeds]

Absolutely amazing !!!

 

Can't wait to circulate that one

[gstallons]

They say it is all downhill after 40-ieth.

 

 

<!-- Merci de soutenir notre projet en laissant ce petit lien! -->Motoneige 0 - Montagne 1

 

 

WOW !

[Skeeve]

They say it is all downhill after 40-ieth.

 

I love how he quite clearly goes faster after he's separated from the snowmobile... Luddites of the world rejoice!