John in Leeds Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Budgeting for a Date A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu; shrimp cocktail, lobster Patron & champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said "Would you care for dessert?"
Guzzi2Go Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 New Treatment for Sunburn A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
gavo Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old... It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, and rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go... Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right There, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right There on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouted.... 'I'll do the fucking dishes!
Guzzi2Go Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have to remember this one) We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The Monkey Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 A Male Fairy Tale Once upon a time there was a handsome Prince who asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The beautiful Princess said "No!" After a thoughtful ride the Prince; Started shagging large titted, skinny broads, Hunted, raced cars, bought 2 more bikes. Dated women half his age, diddled cheerleaders, drank when he felt like it. Never heard bitching, never paid alimony, nor child support. Was never cheated on while at work, kept his house and all his guns. Was never bothered when hanging out in his shop, had tons of money. All his friends thought he was the greatest in the land! He left the toilet seat up and lived happily ever after. The End
Gregg Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 THE PET MONKEY A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first." !!!
Guzzi2Go Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read... A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER: Uploaded with ImageShack.us Bugger ... I forgot the words.....
John in Leeds Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together. Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body. Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes.' 'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: There's Stew with them two arseholes.'
Van Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Need a good laugh--these 2 jokes should do the trick Happy New Year! Van 1. A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably fishing with his mates." 2. A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his mum to come out.While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!"She shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want. “What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!" "Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!""Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me so." "No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. "No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!" hehehehe..... Cheers Van
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