Jokes

[Gregg]

First Skydive.

 

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.

 

“When I got to the door I just couldn’t jump.

 

So the 6’- 7” black instructor unzipped his fly & dragged out his 10 inches of manhood & said....

 

"If you don’t jump you're going to get this baby up your arse !......"

 

Mick asks “Well, Paddy?.... Did you jump?”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy replies “A little bit when it first went in”.

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

[Guzzi2Go]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

 

I noticed two large women by the bar.

 

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are

you two ladies from Scotland ?"

 

One of them chirped: "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

 

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are

you two whales from Scotland ?"

 

That's the last thing I remember...

[John in Leeds]

Brilliant

[Badclassicist]

First Skydive.

 

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.

...

completely inappropriate in almost every way; hence, very funny

[gavo]

PopeAfter getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

 

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

 

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen,' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

 

'Who's going to tell,' says the Pope with a smile.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 118mph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

 

'Please slow down, Your Holiness,' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

 

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

 

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

 

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: 'A senator?'

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

 

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

 

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

 

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'__________________

[Chuck]

:grin:

[Gregg]

Love a true Aussie gentleman!!!!The Great Australian Drover

 

 

 

Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

 

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

 

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

 

 

[PeteTW]

In any case getting the bag on the sheep's head would be difficult.

[Gregg]

You must be thinking of my New Zealand mates -

"A NZ farmer who is having unnatural relations with a sheep is asked if he should rather be shearing the sheep, to which he replies "I'm not shearing this sheep with anyone!"

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

 

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

 

So the married couple walked in.

 

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

 

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

 

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

 

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

 

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!

 

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

 

 

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet Mon!

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

[PeteTW]

I got this one from my mate Paul, owner of Cornford Amplifiers...I only got it because I'm British and have young daughters who watch TV 'talent' shows and like pop 'music'!

 

What's 3 inches long and only goes in one direction?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Louis Walsh's cock

 

I thank you

 

Pete

[gavo]

In tune with political correctness and not to offend any ethnic or minority groups An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. , The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’

[Admin Jaap]

:grin: