Jokes

[dlaing]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

 

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

 

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished gagging and coughing, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."

 

"Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[Ralph Werner]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

 

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

 

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished gagging and coughing, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger."

 

"Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

We did a similar thing way back when I was in veterinary school at Penn - except we had a live female student under the sheet, not a dead cow!

 

Man, those Aggies are not playing with a full deck!

[John in Leeds]

For our friends across the 'pond'

 

From the Flat Track mob

 

 

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

 

'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

 

'Sure,Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

 

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser-Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

 

'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

 

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then Bud says to the young man,

 

'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

 

'You're a Congressman for the US Government,' says Bud.

 

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

 

'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy.

 

'You showed up here even though nobody called you;

you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,

to a question I never asked.

 

You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

 

This is a herd of sheep.

 

Now give me back my dog.

[John in Leeds]

Products for REAL MEN only

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[muddy1100]

Haaaaahahahahahahahahahaha..........breath........Haaaaahhahahahahahahaha.

 

Nice one John -

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane

when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador

in the middle seat next to the man.

 

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is

allowed on the plane ?

 

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer

and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

 

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

 

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very

purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

 

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

 

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:

'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her

seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

 

'Un-bloody-believeable,' replies the first man.

 

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

 

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,

returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's

arm.

 

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making

note of his seat number for the police.'

 

'I'll be damned!' says his seat mate.

 

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

 

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a

moment, moans loudly and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the

middle seat and proceeds to shit and dribble all over the place!

 

 

The first man is really confused by this behaviour and can't figure

out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,

so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

 

 

The by now, very pale agent, nervously replies,

 

 

'He just found a bomb !'

 

Cheers,

mud

[muddy1100]

Oh go on then...one more...

 

Subject: Tools and how to use them!

 

 

 

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

 

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

 

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

 

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

 

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've been searching for.

 

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the footpeg.

 

10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a bike off a hydraulic jack handle.

 

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.

 

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.

 

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

 

16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.

 

17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in sheds at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

 

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 28 years ago by someone at Guzzi, and rounds them off.

 

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.

 

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.

 

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not holding the knife.

 

25. ANGLE GRINDER: Designed for the purpose of seeing your own living bone as it begins to dry and scab over.

 

26. CHAINSAW: A machine that checks whether you have enough band aids in the medicine box, and guarantees that you don't.

 

27. TOOLBOX: A container for every possible tool known to mankind, except the one you are looking for.

 

27a. CRESCENT/SHIFTER: Tool that replaces the tool required under rule 27, and rounds off anything not previously rounded off.

 

28. FILE: For filing flats onto all objects that had flat surfaces before being rounded. Laws of physics guarantee that new flat surface is smaller and weaker than previously rounded flat surface.

 

29. COLD CHISEL: Tool of last resort, used for trying to turn remainder of protruding round bolt head, usually resulting in bolt head joining the one redistributed by rule 2.

 

30. BEER: Solves all problems created by previous 29 rules.

 

31. The f***it tool: a usually expensive tool close to hand that flies across the shed while u scream F***IT!! at the top of your lungs... Usually the next tool you need.

 

 

Cheers,

mud

[dlaing]

Oh go on then...one more...

 

Subject: Tools and how to use them!

 

 

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

All very funny, but on a serious note, how do you drill out pop rivets? My Mistrals need re-conditioning.

[John in Leeds]

Oh go on then...one more...

 

Subject: Tools and how to use them!

 

 

That is going on the wall, wonderful

[Dan M]

Oh go on then...one more...

 

Subject: Tools and how to use them!

 

 

 

 

Cheers,

mud

 

 

 

From a Peter Egan column if I recall.

 

Great stuff

[Dan M]

All very funny, but on a serious note, how do you drill out pop rivets? My Mistrals need re-conditioning.

 

 

Just a sharp high quality bit to take the head off before you deform, loosen and start spinning it.

[dlaing]

Just a sharp high quality bit to take the head off before you deform, loosen and start spinning it.

Thanks! (and I do need to get some high quality bits)

[John in Leeds]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS...

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

6. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

 

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Gino Rondelli]

A guy goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his underpants

 

The hostess opens the door and asks him what he's meant to be

 

"I'm a premature ejaculation"

 

"A premature ejaculation? how's that?"

 

"Ive just come in my pants"

[antonio carroccio]

...I don't get it Gino.

[Gino Rondelli]

Maybe its a Scottish thing .......