Jokes

[Steve G.]

This joke may be best for Canadians, but can be applied anywhere.

 

Know why there's no CSI's in Newfoundland??? Everybody has the same DNA.

 

Steve

[gavo]

A fleeing Al-Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the

desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,

he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small

stand selling neckties. The Jewish man said, "I have no water. Would you

like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

 

 

 

The Arab shouted, "Jewish dog! Israel should not exist! I do not need an

overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water

first."

 

 

 

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a

tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you

continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a

lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

 

 

 

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he

staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

[jrt]

Not mine, but funny:

 

 

 

Found on rec.crafts.metalworking

 

Subject: Beware synthetic oil

 

Beware of synthetic oil, it can do terrible things to you and your

beloved motorcycle. It will not only leak out of your engine faster

than you can put it in, but it will also cause your oil filter to

clog and implode, dumping debris and dirt into your lubrication

system. It also will make every part of your bike permanently

slippery because of its linear molecular chain dispersion action.

Then it will leak onto your kickstand causing it to retract

automatically, dropping your bike on the ground! But that's not all...

 

Synthetic oil will round off your gears and spin your bearings. It

will also splatter onto your seat causing your girlfriend to fall off

in the apex of a turn and she'll never ride with you again. Synthetic

oil coats your sight window and your timing window with a whitish

pro-emulsification additive that is both non-removable and highly

corrosive. Synthetic oil will completely leak onto the ground overnight

and your dog will drink it and die.

 

Synthetic oil will wear out your tires and make your battery leak. It

will give you the desperate need to urinate after you put your full

leathers on and then jam your zippers shut. It will contaminate your

gasoline causing your bike to stall on railroad tracks and accelerate

uncontrollably near police cars. It will make it rain during rallies

and on weekends. It will lubricate four timing belts causing them to

jump teeth and break your valves to bits. Synthetic oil chemically

weakens desmodromic valves and causes the clearances to change every

six miles. Then it melts the black soles of your riding boots night

before you walk across your new carpeting.

 

While riding past groups of attractive women it will cause both of

your handlebar grips to slip off at the same time so you smash your

windscreen with the bridge of your nose. It also causes your swingarm

to crack, your studs to break, and your rotors to warp, and then it

voids your warranty by changing your odometer reading to 55,555. It

also dries out your wetclutch and wets your dryclutch. It makes your

clutch slave cylinder seal fail in the heaviest traffic on the hottest

day of the year while putting an angry wasp in your helmet for good

measure.

 

Synthetic oil hides your 13mm socket and puts superglue on your

earplugs. Synthetic oil will scratch your faceshield and make your

gloves shrink two sizes night before trackday. Synthetic oil stole

your neutral and sold it to the Chinese for $1.25. Synthetic oil

will make you grow a tail. Synthetic oil will write long crazy

e-mails to your Internet friends and then sign your name at the

bottom!

[John in Leeds]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag.

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

 

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

definition:

 

Harley-Davidson: The most effective way of transforming fuel to noise.

[Dan M]

definition:

 

Harley-Davidson: The most effective way of transforming fuel to noise*

 

 

* Without the side effect of horsepower

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

* Without the side effect of horsepower

 

 

sorry, to czech came some mutated version

[st. augustine]

off the bmw site

http://www.bmwk1200s.com/

[Ralph Werner]

[st. augustine]

Why's of Men (from a woman's point of view, however wrong that might be)

 

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX

(because they are plugged into a genius)

----------------------------------------------

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

 

(they don't have enough time)

-----------------------------------------------

 

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

 

(they don't stop to ask directions)

-----------------------------------------------

 

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

-----------------------------------------------

 

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

-----------------------------------------------

 

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

----------------------------------------------

 

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

-----------------------------------------------

 

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

-----------------------------------------------

 

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

-----------------------------------------------

 

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

-----------------------------------------------

 

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and

laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

-----------------------------------------------

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...

---------------------------------------------

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

 

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the

shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for WISDOM to understand my man; LOVE to

forgive him; And PATIENCE for his moods. Because, Lord,

if I pray for STRENGTH, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

----------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Ouch!

----------------------------------------------

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

----------------------------------------------

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

 

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

OOUUCCHH!!

----------------------------------------------

[Dan M]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Slavomir Musilek (R.I.P.)]

A hundred years ago, they said that when a black man became president, pigs would fly. And on the 100th day of Obama's presidency... Swine Flew

 

[Ralph Werner]

[st. augustine]

Tommy Cooper one liners:

 

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 

Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.

 

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

 

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

 

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

 

Procrastinate Now!

 

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

 

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

 

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

 

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

 

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times

the memory.

 

Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a

pig.

 

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

 

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

 

Half the people you know are below average.

 

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

 

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse get ' s the

cheese.

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

 

I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn

louder."

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

 

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on

it.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights

work?

[savagehenry]

Question: "How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Answer: "Let's go ride our bikes!!"