Multiple bike disease

[badmotogoozer]

Written by Roger Welsh,

 

Rules for collecting Triumphs........or MBI,,,(Multiple Bike Illness):

 

RULE #1 Collect only one model of Triumph,Nothing but Bonnevilles or TR6's for example, When all your Triumphs are the same color and shape its harder (if not impossible) for anyone to figure out how many Triumphs you actually own.

 

RULE#2 Never line up your Triumphs, EVER! Nothing distresses a difficult

spouse more than seeing 12 old Triumphs lined up looking for all the world like a pile of burning hundred dollar bills. Scatter the Triumphs around: A couple behind the garage,one or two in the garage,another beside the garage,maybe a couple at a friend's house. That way, It is not possible for anyone (If you know who I mean) to see more than one or two or even three from any perspective. Your hobby will be less "irritating" that way.

 

RULE#3 For pretty much the same reason,dont number your Triumphs. Give them names. You'd be surprised how much less trouble you will have if you talk about "Scarlet Spit" instead of number 23.

 

RULE #4 Early in collecting Triumphs buy a bike you dont want.... then

sell it as quickly as you can. Don't worry about making any money on the transaction, the main thing is to buy a Triumph and get rid of it.

Then you can say, "Yes,my sweet, I do have six Triumphs in the

garage while your car is out in the weather. That doesn't mean I will ALWAYS have six Triumphs,Remember the one I just got rid of ? I'm thinking of selling another any day now so we can put your car in the garage"

If you have a friend who collects Triumphs,make arrangements for

him to drop off a Triumph now and again, That way you can say----If anyone asks---that you bought it. Then have have him haul it off again and say you sold it. With this system,you establish your reputation for moderation.

 

RULE #5 Pay for your Triumphs with cashier checks,Postal Money Orders,or cash. This leaves far less evidence than checks drawn on the family account

 

RULE #6 Now and then,buy a wreck for parts even if you dont need the

parts. In fact, you might consider hauling a wreck or two home on the same trailer whenever you buy a good Triumph. This is called "liability Averaging"

If your significant other says something about having enough money

for yet another Triumph (but not enough for a new refrigerator) point out

indignantly to the Triumphs on the trailer: The beautiful one, solid and

in running condition for which you paid $1,500 and the rusted hulks you got for $50 each. then huff,"Snookums, I got those for a little more than $500 each and the one on the back is easily worth $2,000 This is a tidy profit of $400" (See RULE #7)

Doesnt this make you sound like an investment wizard??

 

RULE #7 When things get critical,consider dragging home a Triumph without a transmission or rear wheel. If theres a complaint. you say, "Triumph? What Triumph? Thats not a Triumph....that's only a basket case... not even close to being a Triumph."

 

RULE #8 Have a dealer or a friend call you now and then when you are not at home (and tell your spouse), "Bob told me to keep an eye on the Triumph going at auction on Saturday,but it sold for $5,000. I know theres no way a financially cautious and responsible guy like Bob would ever pay that much, so I didn't even make a bid on it for him"

Not only will this make you look real good,but next time you buy a

Triumph,say something like,"Luvibear,this beauty only cost me $1,000 which means we are $4,000 ahead of where we'd have been if i'd gotten the one before. If i keep saving money like this, we'll be able to afford to go on a Caribbean cruise next winter."

If you say it fast enough,it just might work.

 

RULE #9 If your mate insults your work calling it RESOTRATION?, laugh a lighthearted laugh making it clear that triumphs are not to you what shoes are to Imelda Marcos.

Should you get to the point where your mate asks, "Who do you love more, me or your Triumphs?" You are on your own.

[Admin Jaap]

That's funny, and sadly enough true!

[Frenchbob]

Written by Roger Welsh,

 

Rules for collecting Triumphs........or MBI,,,(Multiple Bike Illness):

 

RULE #1 Collect only one model of Triumph

 

RULE#2 Never line up your Triumphs, EVER!

 

RULE#3 For pretty much the same reason,dont number your Triumphs. Give them names.

 

RULE #4 Early in collecting Triumphs buy a bike you dont want.... then

sell it as quickly as you can.

 

RULE #5 Pay for your Triumphs with cashier checks,Postal Money Orders,or cash.

 

RULE #6 Now and then,buy a wreck for parts even if you dont need the

parts. In fact, you might consider hauling a wreck or two home on the same trailer whenever you buy a good Triumph. This is called "liability Averaging"

 

RULE#7 consider dragging home a Triumph without a transmission or rear wheel

 

RULE #8 Have a dealer or a friend call you now and then when you are not at home (and tell your spouse), "Bob told me to keep an eye on the Triumph going at auction on Saturday,but it sold for $5,000. I know theres no way a financially cautious and responsible guy like Bob would ever pay that much, so I didn't even make a bid on it for him"

Not only will this make you look real good.........

 

RULE #9............... Should you get to the point where your mate asks, "Who do you love more, me or your Triumphs?"...........

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Ryan, these rules don't work.

 

1. Life's difficult enough without having all your bikes the same colour and shape. Think of the confusion, some mornings!

2. It was only when he did finally line all his bikes up that a mate of mine realised he'd been missing one for some time. It turned out his wife had sold it five years before.

3. I once ran a BSA called "Slippery @#$$#!". Endless humiliation.

4. I did this, bought a bike I didn't want, then sold it at a heavy loss [turned out no one else wanted it, for similar reasons]..........and then my wife said, "You sold a bike? Well, then, you can buy me........"

5. You're allowed CASH?

6. No, this is called the sort of Triumph I usually buy.

7. See above

8. Your wife won't let him in the house ever again and you'll have to give him a beer at the front door. How good will that look?

9. If you get to this point, you're stuffed anyway. You'll tell the truth and lose the whole collection in the ensuing divorce.

 

Bob

[badmotogoozer]

Maybe you'll find this one more on point, Bob. Striking parallel to Italian Bikes...

 

As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of Physics. Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners’ dependency on sorcerers and prayer to keep such cars running.

Careless application of these laws to any individual car may fix the problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners.

 

 

 

1) THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER

“The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas, shall be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods shall self-destruct at redline plus 1 rpm due to a basic lack of strength.” An example of this Law is the stunningly beautiful Lamborghini or Ferrari V12s of the late 1960s. They were famous for wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cam’s metal appeared to be recycled coathangers, which coincidentally are still in short supply in Italy.

 

 

 

2) THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS

“All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown.” It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset.

 

 

 

3) THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS

“All Italian Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a cross-eyed, colour-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All wires shall change colour-code at least once between energy source and component. All grounds shall be partially insulated.” This tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ from all others in at least one area.

 

 

 

4) THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE

“The more an Italian car breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its increasingly irrational owner.” For example, you purchase an Italian Sports car, for all the money you ever hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves, cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odour reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God help you.

 

 

 

5) THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS

“All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that is available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life.” Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts will be backordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored.

 

 

 

6) THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS

“Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of an Italian sports car shall be written such that every fourth word is incomprehensible to the average owner. In the event that a random sentence is understandable, the information contained therein shall be wrong.” This is also known as flat-tyre English, where a sentence flows along nicely, then – Kaboom!

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

2) THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS

“All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown.” It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset.

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I know there is one somewhere on my MGS but I can not find it yet!! More than one on the Centauro.

[Paul Minnaert]

We once had a television show where a wife complained that her man was always busy with his mercedes. Then the presentor asked the man: what dou you love more your wife or the mercdes, he answerd: the mercedes. That was the end of a wedding.

[Alex-Corsa]

Then the presentor asked the man: what dou you love more your wife or the mercdes, he answerd: the mercedes.

 

Well that reminded me a joke originated from the country that priduces Mercedes and says :

"What's the smalest piece of a Mercedes?"

 

Hehe anyone knows the answer?

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. "The drivers brain"

[Frenchbob]

Maybe you'll find this one more on point, Bob. Striking parallel to Italian Bikes...

 

Eerie resonances, here. I have suffered with Italian sports cars and still run a FIAT [Fix It Again, Tony], thus proving No. 4. The others I can vouch for personally, too.

 

Wonderful stuff.

 

Thanks.

[stogieBill]

It was good to start the morning with a chuckle. Thanks.

[Guest Bruce]

Thank you Ryan, I am now so much smarter than when I started out this morning.

 

Another classic ploy which has proven effective for rationalizing everything from a new bike to a new paramour; "think how much I'll save in gas!". Delivery is everything.