A Season's Greeting

[ferguzzi]

I'll be flying on christmas night, so I'll keep a sharp eye out for corpulent old men with beards flying a sleigh.

I'm spending the day in Bombay(oh, ok, Mumbai), with my better half. That's gonna be surreal.

Then home on Stephen's day( that's boxing day to you heathens).

 

Here's a thing. Irish people say "Happy Christmas" ,and not "merry Christmas". Does anyone else?

 

Surely this must count as the vacuous question of the day. I'm obviously bored. And not even pissed.

Yet.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

No problem Jim, I sort of borrowed captions of it from another forum!

 

It has been posted on a helicopter forum.

 

Here is one response from another pilot.

 

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season. The Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

 

So with that I'm off to the Bar...

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all.

[Guest Mattress]

Mattress, I like your avatar. The Dude abides.

I mean firecrackers. I said firecrackers, didn't I?

 

Thanks...and careful with those firecrackers. You don't want to loose any digits. But if you do have an accident,

 

"I can get you a toe, dude"

 

Lebowski 12:16

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

A wonderful story...

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

 

The letter read:

 

"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

 

Sincerely,

Edna"

 

The postal worker was touched.

 

He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

 

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

 

It read,

 

"Dear God,

 

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

 

By the way, there was $4 missing.

 

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

[soloNH]

Jim great "letter", I'll get some use out of it as well.

 

As to the debate about PC Christmas pharses,

 

It's not Liberal or Conservative people just very STUPID people.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

Torturing Santa

 

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

 

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

 

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

 

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

 

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

 

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof holding signs that say: "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."

 

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

 

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

 

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

 

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says: "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says: "For Santa."

 

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

 

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

 

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

 

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

 

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

 

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, "But from a distance, he looked like a bear."

 

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

 

18. Paint "hoof prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

 

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

 

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[mike wilson]

Hah! Bumhug!

 

Ebenezer Spooner.

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

 

 

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

 

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick -- a.k.a. St. Nicholas, a.k.a. Santa Claus -- (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

 

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

 

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

 

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

 

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

 

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.... or there is this version!

 

 

 

 

Bubba Claus

 

 

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully:

 

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, which happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

 

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

 

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

 

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' raccoon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

 

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

 

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee-haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

 

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh's back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the tooth fairy.

 

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV, featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

 

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

 

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

 

Sincerely yours,

 

Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

[Steve G.]

Ciao, Steve

[friskycutter]

Probably a statement of what kind of childhood i had but at my house as a kid we left Santa beer and pretzels. And wouldnt you know it, when I got up on Xmas morning the beer and pretzels were gone ---------Merry Christmas everyone

[helicopterjim R.I.P.]

I know this should be posted in the technical section but somehow it seems fitting for it to be here!

 

 

Santa, from an engineering point-of-view....

 

This just goes to show you, you should never let any engineer explain anything Happy, fantastic, or traditional to you, like Santa, the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny.

 

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world.

 

However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

 

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

 

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical).

 

This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

 

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

 

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth ( which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

 

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound.

 

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

 

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

 

Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them.

 

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II (the ship, not the monarch).

 

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.

 

This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

 

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.

 

In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

 

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

 

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of acceleratingfrom a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.

 

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo

 

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now

 

Merry Christmas.!!